I don't do the journal on here often, too preoccupied with the other three places I post, mostly face book. I guess I feel safer here, because at least I know many people won't see this nor would they have to bother with it. These are just my thoughts written out in plain site to say what I need to say. I have had a royal pain of a year and it only seems to be roughed with small patches of relief. I am no means saying that I am ungrateful for the people that have been brought into my life, just wondering why couldn't I have kept some of the old ones around?

I am by no means perfect, and I realize there is a lot of character flaws that aren't to be desired by me. I'm pushy, rude and I tend to just expect people to except for whom I am. On the other hand, I am caring, compassionate and funny to the T. I just wish that my flaws didn't bar me from some people that at one time couldn't get enough of me. Was it really that horrible being around me? Was i not worth more to you than that?

I don't know the answers all I know is that I wish I could just apologize and take back the wrongs that I committed. I don't believe that I did all the wrong and I am going to place the blame on someone else that isn't currently speaking too much to me. He pretty much helped with ending my friendship of over seven years. SO, thanks a lot jerk. You're not that great of a person anyways, let's face it you live to bitch and then you turn around to gossip. I don't really care that you've walked out, you've done it before and you'll do it over and over.

I also hate that I fall in love with people that don't even deserve my heart. Why is it that I can't find one good person? Someone that isn't mean, that shares my interests, is there for me and doesn't want any of my friends? I mean how hard is it to not use someone? I've chopped it up to being that most people expect so much out of me, that they forget that I am freaking human. Sorry, not perfect no where near it and will not claim it.

This is what I want, truly want. I want that guy to leave someone I still care about alone so I can have my friend back. She is way more important to me than he'll ever be, and I want her to actually heal which she can't do if he is constantly around. He needs to go infect someone new and leave her alone. I want him too, and I want to amend things. I have to go at a very slow pace though. I can't sit there trying to rush in.

I want to strengthen my friends that I have already established, actually correct somethings about myself. I want to work on myself a lot and try to fix what I can. That means no body is going to date me seriously even if I want too at some point. I need a while, and that means I might have to get rid of some people that aren't good for me. It's not that I love them any less, it's that I love myself enough to know better.

When I am ready to date again, I want someone that is going to love me for everything I am. Not just the good, but the bad too. Find me absolutely beautiful even if I just woke up, not push me too far, is absolutely sweet and that I can love in return. I want to have interests that already exist with each other and still have enough difference that we're not up each other's butts. I mean geeze, I need some time a way too. This is one person I would love to meet later on.

I have a lot of plans for myself and hopefully I can continue on the right track. :-/ We will have to see.